just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I want her autograph on my taint
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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