I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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