So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
