dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the day after is always just damage control
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
