you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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