I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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