Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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