Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
