i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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