In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
