Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
