I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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