Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
