He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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