He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i think im in europe. pls send help
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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