He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
