i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
