Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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