I wish I only lived at night.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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