I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
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That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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