the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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