So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
