Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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