I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
