Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
