This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
