So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
