For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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