Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
