I wish I could teleport
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my shit smells like andre
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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