This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
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My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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