mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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