Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
