Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
