And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she woke up with a sticky ear
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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