The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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