I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
