dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
