dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
