New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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