His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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