someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
