yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
