Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
