She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
