Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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