Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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