I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
