Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
