i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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