I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
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I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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