I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
