Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
