dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
