Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
