Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
