Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
